Come morning light
You and I'll be Safe & Sound

Taylor Swift - Safe & Sound

@музыка: Taylor Swift - Fearless Intrumental

@темы: lyrics

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i want to write (no matter what poetry or novel)
i want to learn how to play guitar (very well)
i want to learn how to draw.


but i got no makings for any of these activities.
i can do nothing.


although i understand that if i work on that i can do well in one of those things.
i'd prefer music.

i love music.
and i angry with them for not let me go to music school.'

Music is the only thing that keeps me here. If it wasn't for Music i'd be gone a year and a half ago.
Two years ago i was seriously thinking of ending all of this. I gave myself 6 month to think. if i don't change my mind, my attitude, if thing don't change i will do it. That's what i said myself two years ago.
And now, writing this it feels really scary. Am i really was so sick os everything back then?
Now i have no purpose for any kind of activity, including studying. I still don't have goal in life. i have no interest in anything whatsoever. But now i am pretty sure i will never end this myself. i just can't. I'm too scared of the fact that there is actually absolutely nothing after this. How anyone can be sure?
I'm scared that this is my only chance.


I know life is amazing thing, the most valuable gift of all. But why am i so numb to it, to anything in this world except music.

i want nothing, I need nothing.
And I've been in this state for as long as i can remember myself. And everything got worse a bit more then three years ago. And i'm not recovering. At all.

I don't know what to do.
I won't ask for help.
I don't know how far it all will go.
And I perfectly understand that it's not the worst that may happen.
But I can't help myself.

@музыка: Taylor Swift - Your not Sorry Live Fearless Tour 2010

@темы: blog

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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... new design is way too girly for me, but i love taylor blend i did today <3

@музыка: the mentalist - bloodstream s03e17

@темы: notes

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10.05.2011 в 20:24

Пишет  Черничные глазки:

Как любить Водолея
Водолей
сам себе враг. Он не верит в то, что его можно любить просто так, за
то, что он есть. Он считает, что нужны особые заслуги. Заслуги он
норовит измерять в цифрах и фактах биографии, и свой собственный список
для него всегда неубедителен. Поэтому признаниям в любви он не верит и
горько мучается, подозревая партнера в неведомой корысти.
Если вы
хотите его переубедить, устройте ему сцену. Пристыдите его. Скажите, что
он вас мучает свои недоверием, тем более, что Водолеи это умеют. Они
захлопываются в самый неожиданный момент, сводя на нет все ваши усилия, и
по упрямой складке между бровями можно определить, что Водолей опять
настроен крайне скептически. Его не убеждают ни слова, ни дела. Его
могут убедить только ваши мучения. Пустите слух, что вы пьете или
стрелялись, если Водолей вас отверг. А сами затаитесь и ждите. Он
приплетется понурый и виноватый, в вашу любовь до конца все равно не
поверит, но смирится с тем, что вы по каким-то неведомым причинам
зачем-то хотите с ним быть. Водолеихи часто слышат от своих мам: «Какая
же ты дура, он же так тебя любит!» и отвечают – «Ой, мам, я тебя умоляю,
какая любовь!»
Так Водолеи мучаются сами и мучают любящих их людей.
Поэтому если связались – проявляйте твердость характера и будьте готовы к
борьбе Водолея с вами и с самим собой.
Что касается секса, то
Водолеи стесняются своих страстей. И после бурной ночи могут стать
замкнутыми, чтобы компенсировать в организме баланс нежности и скепсиса.
Если вы Водолею подыграете, он еще больше расстроится и решит, что
ночью ему все показалось. Поэтому обнимите хмурого утреннего Водолея и
подтвердите, – все, что говорилось и делалось ночью. – правда и ему не
померещилось. Дня на три вы получите щебечущего, веселого Водолея.
Дальше будет легче. Он привыкнет к хорошему и оттает.

@музыка: Taylor Swift - Safe & Sound

@темы: Aquarius

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i got this urgent feeling to leave this place, to leave this constant stress and worrying behind. I'm not sure that if i leave here, i'd feel better, maybe i'm just scared.

there's a lot more

But here's a thing, i read so much about doing what you like, choosing profession that you'd not hate, and what am i doing here, absolutely opposite. They all scared that i would Fail and be a dissapointment for them, but for me most important thing is not to disappoint myself.
Maybe it's a right thing to do, i have no idea, maybe i'm making a mistake here.
But what happens when you follow someone else directions and 'advice'? you feel miserable about wasting your time on something they wanted you to be, instead of becoming the youself you want to be. That was actually my biggest fear during last 3 years, i was scared that i'll spend my life doing something those 2 particular people wanted me to do, it was their dreams, it was their hopes, and it's nothing to do with me. So why am i struggling now, why? Why don't i finally do what i think is right for me, maybe i'm completely wrong, maybe that is the biggest mistake of my life, but it's my life, i am responsible for the way it will turn out, me and only me will suffer from mistake i'll have made. Why am i that way?

I'm not saying i give up on higher education, i am certainly not, my brain will not cope with that, it's longing for knowledge, but only in the area of its interests, and economisc is certainly is not one of them.

I'm not sure if this is right, but i want to do it.

@темы: blog

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i'm serriously thinking about retaking state exam.
So i would take biology and retake english.
Then i would get a chance to study phychology or linguistics.
Maybe it is a right decision.

@темы: blog

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One of the best gifts you can give yourself is forgiving yourself.

Everydaylifelessons.com

@музыка: snow patrol - called out in the dark

@темы: everydaylifelessons

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i don't know what'a going on, i don't know what's going to happen today. But anyway i should find a way out, i'm not the only one in this situation.
I need to clear my head, i need to realize what i want to do with my life, where i want to be, and what i actually need from this world.
Maybe this feeling is just a result of my laziness and disability to work hard, well it's not disability, i'm just not willing to do so.
I want to find something that i would feel passionate about, sommething that will occupy my time and i will love to do this, no matter how hard it is, i know i can do this, i just can't find that 'something' and i honestly have no idea where to look for it.
I don't want to fail, i want to do something that i would feel good about. But this always felt like it not 'mine' i can't help it i tried, probably not hard enough, there's a good chance that i will regret about giving up this time, well when did i not give up.
That's my problem: i am not willing to do what i am forced to do. That's how simple that is. To succed in something i must want to do it. If i'm not, i will do everything half my actual potential. For example, the studying, i got C's mostly because i do everything just so it would be done, no trying to do as good as possible, but just do it.

i was thinking about taking a year off, before entering a uni, so i would get to know myself better, so i would understand where i want my life to go.
But this was a good experience, i learnt a lot, maybe not all the subjects that i needed, but about the world in general, i have a great deal of things left to learn.
and i lost the feeling that i won't live long, i just don't feel anything about what's going to happen. But it's still not gonna be a long life.

@темы: blog

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wrote 4 poems a few minutes back.
Need free time to revise all the stuff. Correct, maybe rewrite.
Just want free time.
And not to be expelled tomorrow, maybe i should not be scared so much.

@темы: blog

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Life is just a moment, you might as well enjoy this day

Kerli - the Creationist

@темы: lyrics

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Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

It's not the place where you go. It's how you enjoy the place where you go.

This if your world, shape it. Or someone else will.
- Gary Lew

Being happy doesn't mean you're perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond the imperfection.

We always see the present worse than it is and the future less resolved than it will be.

@музыка: snow patrol - how to be dead

@темы: quotes

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Character cannot be discovered in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
-Helen Keller


Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main source of cruelty. To conquer fear is the bеginning of wisdom.
-Bertrand Russel

@темы: quotes

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the 2nd one.

"And here it goes again, the feeling i got in the beginning of this whole thing, but this time i'll try to deal with this better then before, no hysterics, no falling into depression, this time that will be easier, i just have to make myself believe in it, to make my mind believe in it. No complaining, no tv shows instead of studying, this week will be the hardest for me morally, emotionally, but if i manage to cope with all that everything will be easier after that.

And again i'm thinking about that"


Same thing.

@темы: blog

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i just can't help it.
I don't wanna fight it.

@темы: blog

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Here is one of my previous entries, copied from my phone, just so i would see a progression of my state, my attitude to life, to things in general.

Here it is:
"It feels like i'm literally going crazy, i'm really scared, so i thought that it would be a good ideai to keep a diary, writting everything just to ease my mind. I hope no one will find it, anyway no of them would understand a single word.
So what is currently on my mind? Nothing rally interesting even for me. Music, tv series, books, by the way why haven't i thought about taking somerset's book with me? Have to take it everywhere, especially tommorow: whole day among eldery people, need to find a way to make the day entertainng(?), no wrong word... Well... Exciting, still not right, i got the idea, have to work on my dictionary.
That's it for now, bye)"

I haven't reread it before posting and i don't remember what i'd written back then, so i have no idea what the point of the text above. Lame? Sure it is.

@темы: blog

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Everyday life lessons

The biggest challenge is to be yourself; because the whole world around you often wants you to be someone else.

Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.

Everydaylifelessons.com

@музыка: Thirty Seconds to Mars - Attack

@темы: everydaylifelessons

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just now, just this very moment i perfectly understood, what an incredible i was given in i got to this university, and got in the same place with him. And now i can lose it so easely, it's so awful. Just little mistake led to those consequences, i may lose a great xhance for a good life so easily, it's .. I can't believe i let this happen.


I've been locked up in my head for so long, missing out on everything in real life, i've never lived for those 18 years, not a day, always hiding from everything. My life is empty, and i can partly, well not acually partly, perfectly relate to 'Because of you' by Kelly, i am demage, i am broken, i am abnormal, not in a good way. And i don't know what to do. Why am i falling for him? If i would not feel this, everything would have been so much easier, or maybe not, maybe that is for gets me going, keep me from absolutely given up. I wish i never knew him, i wish that would never happenned, it'd be better for both of us, honestly, there will be nothing good about it. It will never be.

@темы: blog

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i don't wanna feel that, i just want it to let go of me.
I know it's great, it's wonderful, but not in my case, not with me.
it's killing me, i want it to go away.




Get him out of my head. Please.

@темы: blog

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there's Foster the people song playing out someone's phone
!!!!!!!!!!!

@темы: blog