it atarts again. My heart beats so freaking fast and i don't know what to do. But i might actually have an idea of what might be causing it. Because an hour or so ago i got very irritated and kind of angry, but i hold it back completely, so now minutes later it hit me with consequences of holding back such strong feeling, it's so bad for my nerves. And the other reason might be the lack of fresh air, i've opened a window, so maybe i'll get better.

I've got this new programm on my pc, it has a diary section, with a password. So starting tomorrow i'll writing full essays on how the day has passed, every little thing, every little topic that hit me during the day will be mentioned and discussed in that journal. So it's tomorrow, well actually it's today already.

I desperately need sleep. But it's t am and i'm still awake, so i'm going to sleep after classes. I'm gonna get those things for my ears so i'll be completely deaf to the world while i'm sleeping. So that bitch can knock all she wants i'm not gonna open up, so she'll have to use a key.

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So, the class was dismissed because of nad behavour of some people that i have to study with. When i left the room there was some creep in the hallway, i have no idea what he wanted from me, i just started to walk faster, managed to get away. Yay!
But then, 30 mins or so later there he was again. although i'm in the main building of my uni im still freaking out. Wandering all alone through empty hallway in this uni is a very dangerous thing to do.
Thank you for saving me.

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they are so fucking ungrateful.
They take every little thing for granted.
the feeling of hatred in me grows every sinle day.
This 40 min are their last minutes of internet that i provide. Selfish bitches. I hope they'll burn.

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one of my roommates is a total bitch. And she obviously has some problems with me. Well, she's a bitch which means she's no worth of me, my time, my nerves, my energy. I wish she'd move out though, i would really like that. I want her gone. Even if it makes me a bed person.

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Let's continue.
Well, i don't talk much in real life. It has always been this way. It's just... Listening to all those people talk, i have nothing to say them. Because all that shit that occupies my mind doesn't resemble in any way what's coming out when thay talk, and i could never talk just for the sake of talking. I think this is kind of stupid, to say anything that comed to your minds, just so you won't sit in silence. Unless, you are with your bbf, then that's ok. Haha

So, yesterday's night i cried a little before falling asleep, i can't write now what caused it, but back few hours, there was just so much on my mind, something that triggered the tears.

I think i'm going to continue on writing stuff like these, but it really doesn't matter if anyone reads it, but if someone does i hope i don't appear that much of a bore, and if i do, well, that's what i am.
It's just sometime i feel like i'm going insane, because i rarely talk to people. Well, for example right now: there are about 20 people in the room, and i'm sitting there, just typing all of that, and i' perfectly content with it. Honestly.
There's a ring. Histiry seminar, then maths, then home, eat, sleep, study.
Bye.

I always type "bye" wrong......

---

Well, despite the fact that i wanted to start everything over again, nothing's working, because i'm making the same mistake: i do nothing at all. I procrastinate. Again. I spend hours surfing the Internet w/o any purpose. Again.

And not new bad habit: making plan and don't follow them.

A week ago I started this book, "Eat that frog", with productivity tips. It says that to be productive, to be succesful at any task you need to know exactly what is needed to be done, so you should make plans, lists of different things that you need/have to do in a day, a week, a month or in your lifetime. You need to prioritize(is there even a word in english?) them, so you would do the most important, and usually the hardest, tasks first.

Well, i followed the advice. I have made a two-week plan. And just because it's me, it worked for 2 or 3 days. Great, right?

But even if it lasted that long, it's really good idea, and starting today i'll try to make work again.

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So, I'm in a new place. For two weeks now. Well, in the beginning it was fine. I liked it, it was new. But now i'm going back to the depression state, and i don't know how to stop it. I don't wanna get back to what was happenning last year. I really don't want it to get there. I won't give up easily this time, at least i'll try.

But... I can't find a way to prevent it for happenning. Sometimes I get scared of what might happen, that something bad will happen, and at the same time i don't have a specific idea of what it is. I go through a day in a numb state, i don't feel anything from the moment i wake up, it's automatic, i've been doing this since what? 7th grade maybe, if no earlier. And now, 6 years later it went too far, and now there's no way i get out of it. And sometimes the decision comes too close, plus the solution is always right next to me, every minute og the day. And there are times when i'm so sure that i'm gonna do it eventually.

I don't know if i want to do it. And cutting doesn't help. And there's no one to help.
For the next week, till next Wendsday i won't answer a single phone call, besides tomorrow's about the meeting. I don't want to hear anyone. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I'm tired of faking emotions, faking my whole being through the days. I don't wanna do it anymore. I wanna just drown. Just go to sleep and that's it. FUCK IT.

@темы: shit, whining

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i hope it won't be too bad.
But...
I don't know what to do with (in) my life, and it's more important than this credit (exam). So, either way everything will be ok. If i fail this one, i can go to another university and start all over again, now that i have more experience in this thing i know what to avoid and on which part of it all to focus. It's not the end of the world, it's just the end of me being here. And it's not that scary anymore. The hard part would be to explain it all th them, to the 'family' and i'm pretty sure they won't understand and support me further on the way. I'll such a dissapointment to them, especialy to her. So, i'll be on my own and a 40yearold baby by my side. I'll go through it. I know i can i just need a reason, a goal, a purpose why to do so. I'll be fine. And honestly i never was scared of leaving this place, i was scared of judgement and punishment from the 'family'. Because that's the only way they ever treated me. So, be ready for scandals, accusation of not being able to do the simplest thing, and being just like Mom. But i used to being apart from those people, so it won't be such a tragedy, besides no one ever will be able to take away music from me. And those guys are all i need, new Marina's, the V's, Maroon 5's albums will come out soon, so i'll be fine. I will. I hope at least.

---

i want so much to hear her voice again. I want to call her. But everytime i do she says something in rude tone, that makes me feel worse. She's the only person who i can trust with anything. But i know that when i'm saying everytthing that is on my mind it makes her feel worse. But i can't hold it all inside. I know that she has gone through a lot, and she's kind of person that always keep it to herself, i can't imagine what she feels and i don't know how to help her.

@темы: blog

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all i want now is to go home. It's all just like it was in september. I just wanna run away from here. Somewhere new and start all over again.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I just want to cry, cry and cry. To cry it all out. So i could feel better. Lighter. Free.

But i know it will never happen. Why? I got no answer.

I really need a psychologist. I know it will help me. And if i go through those exams without being excluded, i will go a session, i really want it and it feels like it's the only thing that will help. Improve my emotional well-being.

@темы: blog

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writing a short story... I have to get to already.... Just need to find out how short it has to be.

Maybe if i write a few stories about one charter, probably then i would be able to write a novel based on those stories.

I got the main character. All i need is an interesting plo, developed characters. Not much, right?

Need to think about more, and keep writing 'poetry'.

@темы: notes

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"to male blogspot" ?!
I really need to check my posts before i publish them....

@музыка: 30 seconds to mars - from yesterday

@темы: notes

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after finishing that freaking writing assignment my eyes hurt so much, and i got another one today....

I'm thinking about getting back to html and css. I was learning it for two week (it's usual time that i can focus on something i'm interested in) and i was interested, it was really interesting. And i even got a very nice notebook for notes. And i need to design my tumblr and future lj blog ( css are needed for changing it)

And music. Guitar. I love it so much, but i don't have time for practicing. And tomorrow i'm taking that baby home, so i will be able to play only once or twice, whuch will result in the slowest progress possible....

And drawing. I really want to learn it. It feels natural for me to do it and when i studied for a while i improved a lot during a month, but i planned for a year, see how stubborn i am


it would be very nice if i could study art in uni and then work at galleries and museums. i'd love to go to work everyday and this work could be a very good escape from life.
But with economics i will need a hobby help myself get through this.

@музыка: snow patrol - fallen empires

@темы: blog

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i need to add picture and videos to my posts to male blogspot more interesting. here i'm going to make some notes about future additions to any part of my life online or offlline.

@темы: notes

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to finish the assignment:

- read all chapters in the books on the theme
- make notes for thing i need to mention later
- write a text, not too awful
- make it look good

It's actually seems easy, but when i get to the work itself I get an urge feeling to postpone it. So, everytime i need to do something like that i do it in a very last minute.
In this moments I hate myself.

And sometimes I think that it would be better to get a job already, or go to the other university when i would feel like i belong in this field. Constantly thinking about. I needed to choose psychology, not economics.

Why is it do hard to make up my mind?

@темы: blog

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It's really addictive. Writing.
Wrote too much at Blogspot

@темы: notes

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How in the world would i change myself?

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and i'm still not working ...

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I was about to start working, then I found this amazing Tumblr blog.
I'm long gone...

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So let's try and do it.

@темы: notes